A geeks guide to females

Beauty and the Geek - terribly funny show. I only
watched the auditions but gawd was I on the floor laughing

My friends - we have stalkers and then we have geeks who do not know how to talk to a girl. 'What on earth do you mean?' you may ask me. This is a guide of sorts to help poor unfortunate souls who stalk because they really like some girl (written by someone who has been there and done that).

(1) Everyone stalks. It's true! Once you have a crush on someone you tend to know where they are or when you might see them. Unfortunately, geeks don't know what to do when they meet a girl. They are dreaming that the girl will one day just realise their existence, take notice of them, fall head over heels in love and then gg (Good game, game over for those who are uninitiated). Sorry my misguided brethren - that only happens in Hollywood and then not very often.


(2) Why do geeks stalk? Well following from the previous point - in order for a girl to take notice of you - she has to see you. So a geek consciously or subconsciously starts stalking her to increase that time length and thus opportunity for attention.

When they do talk to the girl they are mentally harrased to please her so much, the entertaining, witty and intelligent part inside a geek completely dies.

My friends, - (a) Yes she will notice you are around her a lot. This is not a good thing. Words like stalker and weirdo float around too fluidly for you to avoid the label (b) Even if she is a really nice person and doesn't label you, your harrased mental will be completely unable to impress her and pity is the best thing you can get. Note - not respect, not love - Pity.


(3) So what can you do about it?
This is the trick guys. Many geeks (not all) are at a distinct inability to read social signals as well as the normal person. I'm talking about things like body language, voice tone etc. LEARN IT! It is a steep learning curve for geeks especially later in youth, but when you get that tingling feeling that something is wrong - listen to it. It is somewhere in you to tell when a situation is awkward. Don't stress about it, apologise firmly and catch yourself before you repeat it next time. You can get the hang of it.

Catch yourself when you are in stalker mode and GET OUT OF IT. If you are hanging around some place waiting for her - don't! If you are constantly hanging around her group of friends remaining awkwardly quiet - move away. These things make you look and act weird. Insanity as they say is doing things that are not working repeatedly.

Now this is a difficult part. I know you dream of love and that really hot girl (and I don't really want to know what else you dream about) but in order to present yourself best you MUST NOT be DESPERATE. Girls, especially the type you like, can smell it like animals can smell fear. The truth is you probably are desperate which is why you are doing the things you do. And it's not just the stress of wanting someone; it is born of loneliness, self justification, recognition and all kinds of things everyone wants. Then stop - there are other things wrong in your life besides the lack of girl.

Take a chill pill my friends. It's a little philosophical, but you have to be at calm inside a little first before someone else is calm around you. Look at it this way - all this time your desperation has driven girls away - what have you got to lose by being a little less desperate.

Start by small life changes. Get some good friends you know you can fall back on. Diversify your activities beyond World of Warcraft. Not a physical person? I assure you, you could be. Every geek would love to hold a sword. Go take up fencing or kendo or something. Try a sport for real. Tennis, badminton, table tennis - anything at all, you could surprise yourself. Take up dancing even -latin, ballroom, hip hop even. Try some stage acting. Break out of the confined shell of yourself - learn most importantly that you can change and that it is worth it.

Forget about the girl problem as much for a little while. Chill out and lean back, and you'll find the good qualities in you shining out a bit better around pretty girls. Then and only then will you also be able to start learning what sort of actions are enjoyed around these people. What kind of jokes entertain them, what kind of activities they do, what kind of people they are and whether they are even for you! Often you will find you have done a lot of projection onto these people and they are nothing like what you imagined. - This is why people say you always find love when you aren't looking for it. Desperation kills the romantic mood.

And then - just ask. What? I mean just ask them out. Don't waste your life and energy running around trying to find out where they are and how to intercept them. Get them alone and comfortable just once and ask them out to dinner. It takes guts - and I of all people know the turmoil you undergo. But stalking and hoping doesn't work. And this way you save a lot of time and energy you could be using to figure out how to take over the financial empire. Then those hoes will come to you anyway. Mwahahaha!

Grow up, get a pair of balls and start learning how to live in society.